Mindful Parenting

Being a parent is a lifelong adventure that is not only beautiful, but also challenging, confusing, disruptive, dynamic and full of incredible surprises.

The rules of being a good parent are constantly changing, and the test usually comes out of nowhere.

There comes a time when the experts say, “Don’t hold your baby, he will be dependent on you,” and after a while they say:

 

“Do hold your baby, he/she needs your warmth more than anything else”.

Some nutrients are found to be very useful from time to time, but after a few years they say never give them to your child.

20-30 years ago it was acceptable for mothers to be with their children all the time, then it was said that it is not the time that matters but the quality of time, now it is recommended to spend both time and quality time.

In addition to the unique intensity of parenthood, all these variables inevitably leave mothers and fathers with feelings of confusion and inadequacy.

So can we use mindfulness philosophy for good, balanced, strong, healthy parenting? A big yes! In fact, it would not be an exaggeration to say that mindfulness was created for this very task.

 

Mindfulness as a Roadmap in Parenting

Placing the philosophy of mindfulness – in short, bringing attention and focus to the present ‘moment’ without judgement, with open awareness and a compassionate attitude – at the centre of your life will open up whole new doors in your parenting adventure.

What could be more important in life than experiencing and connecting with the present moment without getting lost in the uncertainty of the future by distancing yourself from the past?

If we think of parenthood as a package, when we open that package there will be more joy, happiness, pleasure and warmth than we expect, but do not forget that there is also anxiety, disappointment, fear, anger, burnout.

In our experience of motherhood and fatherhood we can experience all of the above emotions. But their proportions, balances and combinations will vary according to our personalities and attitudes to life. We can experience parenthood as a wonderful journey, or we can experience it as being lost in endless worry. As we try to balance the feelings of happiness and anxiety that having a child will bring, it will be a personal choice to turn our face towards happiness, joy, compassion, balance and love.

On this journey, the mindfulness teacher can be a solid, deep-rooted reference for us, and when we are caught in the whirlpool of motherhood and fatherhood, he can take us by the hand and bring us to a safe shore.

How then? We will have some suggestions:

 

Examine Your Relationship with Yourself

Parenthood can make us more patient and loving, we have heard many people say. But there is a “but”. Being a parent does not make you a better, more patient, more loving person. In fact, parenting is often done with exactly the same personality as you are as a person.

Look at yourself; without judgement, with open awareness and compassion. What kind of person are you?  What are your fears, your weaknesses, your strengths? What are your angels and demons like?

Our life journey may have made us an angry, fearful person. Some of our personality traits may prevent us from enjoying motherhood and fatherhood, and they may damage the personality of our children. For this reason it is very valuable for a person to get in touch with themselves and perhaps ask themselves the question “Who am I?

The question “Who am I?” is such a valuable question that it can change many things in human life.

We will understand exactly who we are so that we can create a comfortable, safe, warm and loving relationship with our child.

 

Adapting to the Changing Needs of Your Child

The story begins when we are given a tiny baby; a baby who is completely dependent on our care. We adore our baby and take care of everything. Gradually our baby grows up and becomes independent of us. We realise that we no longer have a baby that needs us to feed it.

The most important thing in parenting is that our motherhood and fatherhood change shape according to the changing phases of our child. We can use mindfulness to recognise the changing needs of our child. It is very valuable to observe our child with open awareness, to be able to identify their needs without judgement and to offer our parenting to them in a compassionate and appropriate way. Sometimes we cannot see our child growing up: “You will always be a little baby in my eyes”, but this is not a correct understanding. In order for our children to become independent, happy adults, we need to encourage them to grow up before anyone else. It should be one of the most important duties of parents to prepare their children for life by giving them age-appropriate responsibilities.

 

Accept Your Child as He/She is, Do Not Fantasise About Your Child

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? As if everyone accepts their child naturally? Unfortunately, many people interfere too much with their children’s personalities, understanding that “the tree bends when it is young”, in order to raise them well, because they see their children as their own. Of course we can teach our children to be good, honest, curious and hardworking.

What we are saying is something different…

Although our child comes into the world through us, he/she is a completely different person. His/her personality, preferences and expectations of life will be different from ours. It is very important to accept this from the start. Our child does not have to fulfil our dreams that we cannot, nor live the life that we cannot. We are only giving them the gift of life and guiding them on their journey as they form their own personality. On this journey we should not place our expectations on him/her. Whatever dreams we have for our child, our dreams will be a burden on his or her shoulders.

Let him/her draw his/her own route.

 

When You are with Your Child, Just be with Your Child.

Our job is difficult because we are dealing with masters of mindfulness. Especially in their early years, children are naturally in mindfulness mode. When a child is playing, they are just playing; when they are laughing, they are just laughing; they are giving 100 per cent of themselves to the moment they are in. Isn’t that what mindfulness says? Just do what you are doing.

And you know what, children feel. The emotions, the feelings, the thoughts of the other person… Even if you are physically with your child, if your mind is somewhere else, if you appear to be listening to them and are actually thinking about something else, your child will feel it.

So it may be a cliché, but the ability to be with your child in the moment is very precious, important and the greatest gift you can give a child.

 

Developing a Healthy Inner Voice in Children

“Trust your inner voice” has become a cliché, we hear and read it everywhere. But what exactly does it mean?

Can we really trust our inner voice? Is our inner voice always telling the truth?

We could actually write a book with answers to all these questions. For now, let’s give some short answers.

Our inner voice is the voice that tells us how to behave, even when we are in the middle of an unknown. It is this voice that sometimes leads us to do things that seem illogical. It can be very reliable or it can get us into trouble.

It is very important that we teach our children to connect with their inner voice from an early age in order to have a healthy inner voice.

It is very important that we respect their feelings and try to understand them from the moment they are born. We will respect their reactions, emotions and feelings from infancy so that they learn to accept themselves.

Forcing them to eat what they do not want, forcing them to do activities that are not suitable for them, constantly making decisions for them can distract our children from their inner voice.

A healthy inner voice is very important for becoming a confident adult.

 

Take a Short Break When We Get Angry

It’s just us here, we can be honest; children can be really difficult sometimes. And children learn how to behave in difficult situations from the adults around them.

So when we get very angry, instead of reacting immediately with anger, it’s important to bring our attention to our breathing, to notice our body sensations and the thoughts that are going through our mind. We are not talking about suppressing our anger here, we are talking about learning to deal with it in a healthy way.

Even if the reason for our anger is justified, in a knee-jerk reaction we may say things that we will not be proud of, that we will regret. It would be a good idea to take some time to identify the thoughts that go through our minds and the emotions we feel when we have difficulties.

In moments of difficulty with your child, bring your attention, care, compassion, open awareness to your body, to yourself. For example, what is our heart, throat, face, stomach like at that moment?

After such a mindfulness break, if necessary, if you want, you can get angry again. But you will find that the quality of your anger will change. We will become more compassionate, more willing to understand and explain.

 

Focus on Your Child’s Needs, Not on Being a Good Parent

In every society, at every time, there are definitions and models of good parenting. These are constantly changing… Sometimes we become so obsessed with being good parents that we lose sight of our child, even our child’s needs. When we become too concerned with our identity as parents and how we look to the outside world, we lose sight of what really matters: our child. Let our parenting determine the journey we take with our child, not the expectations and forms outside.

 

Do not Judge Your Child, Try to Understand Him/Her

Dr Jonice Webb, in her groundbreaking book, The Trace of Childhood Neglect, Solutions, says When you look into your parents’ eyes as a child and see yourself, you learn something about yourself… When you look into your parents’ eyes and see a reflection of yourself that is inadequate, vague or inaccurate, you have no opportunity to learn who you really are.

Yes… Our children look into our eyes and learn about themselves from us. We may speak words of love from our lips, but what do our eyes say? There is already a merciless judgement in the outside world. If a parent gives their child the feeling of acceptance, no matter what happens, no matter what they do, they may be making the best investment for the future.

 

Be Compassionate to Yourself

I think we are to our children as we are to ourselves. So let’s go back to the beginning. What did we say in the first article? Check your relationship with yourself! It’s never too late.

How are you with yourself?